I don’t rest as much as I could and I rest a good bit. I eat pretty healthy and the munchies will take over my whole being in an instant. I try to keep my house pretty clean and also my dishes were piled untouched for five days this week. I pay someone to clean my house because I hate doing it and I will offer to clean my boyfriend’s house any day of the week.
I love being around people and I love teaching people and I struggle sometimes to show up for others because it’s a task in itself to show up for myself. I like feeling buzzy from some cocktails and I know it’s a steep slope before the joy turns to regret.
I hold space for others to heal and I have an entire assembly of healers that support me in my journey of healing. I teach people tools to hold them in the moments of life that are difficult to navigate in pain and I often forget the large box of tools that I have to support my own pain.
I am growing, shifting, and transforming and I am stuck. There are so many parts of me - some you see and some you don’t. Some parts I can feel and some I don’t feel. I know so much and I know nothing. I am not perfect and I don’t want to be. I am not a machine and I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be in a rush any more and I often feel hurried. I want to see the world and I also want to hang out on my couch under a cozy blanket.
This earth holds me up every moment and I sometimes I still think it’s my job to hold the whole world on my shoulders. I pray, chant, and breathe with a spirit who I can’t see and when I pay attention I can feel that spirit. I don’t like dogs or cats and I sometimes experience shame about that. I love witnessing all life in nature and I prefer the bugs don’t crawl on me or hang out in my house.
My shoulder hurts every day and it’s not even my own pain. I am healing the 12 year old version of myself so this version of myself can feel more free. I’m healing me and you’re healing me. I am healing you and you are healing yourself. I’m healing the generations past and the generations future. We’re healing each other. We’re healing each other.